In my mind, the day I arrived in Madrid has been condensed down into four vivid images. The unexpected brightness as I stepped off the plane, far stronger than the feeble sunshine that occasionally trickles through the clouds in the UK, despite the fact it was only January and the middle of a cold Madrileño winter. The friendly official who waved me through with a bienvenido a España and barely a glance at my passport (unlike in England where, bizarrely, they thought it necessary to quiz me for ten minutes about why I was leaving my home country). The baggage reclaim hall with its heady mixture of aromas: foreign cleaning products, cigarette smoke and the smell of anticipation. And finally, the large green sign which loomed to my right as I turned out of Arrivals and headed towards the exit, which simply read “Arse Cafeteria”.
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Well, it turns out my memory isn’t quite as sharp as I’d thought and it’s actually spelt “Ars”, but E or no E, to any Brit it looks and sounds distinctly like an establishment named after someone’s bottom. I’m happy to report that the linguistic adventure has since continued and that there are plenty of names in Spain that cause much mirth and sniggering-into-your-sleeve amongst English speakers, while bemused Spaniards stand around wondering what the joke is. Here’s a roundup of the best…
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Brand names
Slice of Bimbo anyone? This classic has been making us chuckle for years, as we mentally picture taking a meat cleaver to Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or some other MTV airhead. In reality, this is nice soft bread perfect for sandwiches or making toast, provided you can get your grubby paws on a toaster of course. The company has been around for about 50 years and now also makes cakes, pastries and savoury snacks, so you can have your Bimbo any way you want.
For the perfect start to your day, you need a Bonka with your Bimbo (I know this shouldn’t make me laugh, but it does). Made by Nestlé, this coffee comes in a whole host of varieties, from the intense flavour of Bonka Natural to Bonka Espresso for those who are just after a quickie. Coffee for consenting adults only!
Hornimans Tea
If you’re not a fan of the java then perhaps you’d prefer a Hornimans to go with your breakfast. I recently found out that this was originally an English company founded in 1826 by a fellow called John Horniman: tea importer extraordinaire and serial womaniser (actually I just made that last bit up but I hope it’s true). I don’t know if his tea does what it promises on the packet, but with so many different flavours I’m sure there’s one that’ll get you feeling fruity.
Oh-ho and you thought we were done with sexual innuendo! If you go looking for Dyc in a Spanish bar then this is what you’ll get. Dyc (pronounced “deek”) is a Scotch-style whisky, very popular amongst twenty-something Spaniards and often teamed with Coca-Cola (so that’d be a Dyc and coke then). Even more amusingly, it’s referred to as “Whisky Dyc”, which in British slang is a term used to refer to alcohol-induced impotence. Nice!
Dry Sack Sherry
Another one that made me giggle. You’re probably fed up with my juvenile humour now though, so I’ll say no more.
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Place names
Sober (Galicia)
After all that alcohol perhaps you ought to make your way to Sober, a small municipality in the province of Lugo in Galicia. I’ve never visited the place, but if it lives up to its name then you’re probably best off giving it a miss, as it doesn’t sound the most thrilling day out.
Now I know even the most serious amongst you will crack a smile at this one. Don’t try and pretend you’re not, I can see you sniggering into your coat sleeves! If you want to go to Poo then you’ll have to head up to Llanes in Asturias. Again, somewhere I hope is nicer than it sounds.
Piles (Valencia)
To quote Wikipedia: “The beautiful scenery of Piles has made it a common tourist destination with people coming from all over Spain to look at Piles.” Is it me or does that sound a little tongue-in-cheek? Likewise, the sign for this Valencian coastal town is probably photographed to death by British tourists. Ah, we do love our toilet humour.
Make that toilet humour AND smut. Tee hee…
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People’s names
On the whole I find Spanish names a lot prettier-sounding than their English counterparts, but there a few that make me giggle. I’ve been here long enough to have stopped singing Abba every time I meet someone called Fernando, but I still have problems with Fanny, Adolfo and Jesús. I once had a student named the latter who tried to chat me up, so now I can proudly say that not only did Jesus die for my sins, but he also asked me out to the cinema. Variations on this theme (Jesús María, María Jesús, José María, María José etc) I’m sure exist purely to confuse English speakers.
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Establishments
Smell
As well as Ars, there existed in Madrid a linguistic treat in the form of a pharmacy called Smell on C/Argumosa (in my beloved barrio of Lavapiés), which unfortunately has now disappeared. Interestingly, it didn’t really smell of anything inside, except for soap perhaps.
Sala Wind
This club in Plaza del Carmen has been a long-term player in the Madrid party scene, banging out anything from electro-house to indie. It also provides English speakers with yet another excuse to snicker and wonder whether the patrons have been eating too many cabbages and baked beans. Parp!
Discovered mid pub-crawl on a drunken night out, the name of this bar is humorous when you’re sober and absolute genius when you’re hammered. As far as I can tell, it’s not affiliated with Mr. Murray himself. In fact, it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with him apart from the name. I think it’s on C/Covarrubias in Chamberí, although I’m not 100% sure (let’s just say we were all definitely a little worse for wear when we found it). Next time you’re in the area go order a Dyc and coke there, and have a snigger on me!
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