A relaxing cup of café con leche

Silly Ana Botella. Although her ridiculous speech to the IOC in Buenos Aires probably wasn’t the only reason Madrid lost out to Tokyo in their bid to host the 2020 Olympics, it can’t have helped matters much. If you still haven’t seen the mayor of Madrid’s disturbing take on the English language, you can watch her two minutes of glory here, then if you fancy checking out some of the hundreds of inevitable (dubstep et al.) remixes, I’d recommend this one and this one.

Most importantly though, whatever you think of Annie Bottle, whether you agree that Madriiid eees faahnn and that no one celebrates laif laik Espanish pippil do, one thing is indisputable: anyone at all familiar with Madrid knows that you do not go to Plaza Mayor for “a relaxing cup of café con leche”. Unless you find paying through the nose whilst being harassed by fat Spiderman, Hello Kitty’s evil twin and a snapping goat a “relaxing” experience.

Here are a few of my favourite places to have a café con leche in Madrid, in no particular order:

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Nuevo Café Barbieri (C/Ave María 45, Metro: Lavapiés)

Established in 1902, this place oozes faded decadence. Many critical scenes of Las travesuras de la niña mala (The Bad Girl) by Mario Vargas Llosa were set here and you may well start to imagine yourself as a literary heroine or hero as you sip on your coffee. They also serve tasty cakes and a good range of teas for those who prefer that sort of thing. It’s a long walk to the toilet though.

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Café Comercial (Glorieta de Bilbao 7, Metro: Bilbao)

Another old-school coffee joint, this one has been going even longer than Barbieri (it first opened its doors in 1887). Expect waiters in white suits, plenty of señoras in furs and old-timers upstairs playing chess. You can play on the chessboards for free too, just don’t expect to finish your game without everyone crowding round and telling you what your next move should be.

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Anticafé (C/Unión 2, Metro: Ópera)

Served by a barman with a rather nice line in jumpers, the coffee here is badass and it even comes with biscuits – result! They’ve been shut for refurbishment and will open again in October, hopefully with the same eclectic mix of furniture and random stuff on the walls. My other half says it’s a bit girly so guys you might want to grab a ladyfriend to go with.

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La Central de Callao (C/Postigo de San Martín 8, Metro: Callao)

New bookshop, lovely building and a downstairs bistro set in a wonderfully airy space. You can flick through your purchases whilst you enjoy your brew, or perhaps browse the thousands of titles afterwards. It does get pretty mental though (especially at weekends), so if you’re looking for “relaxing”, I’d go elsewhere.

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Lolina Vintage Café (C/Espíritu Santo 9, Metro: Tribunal)

More mishmash cutesy decor, more girliness…but hey, I’m a girl! Love the retro vibe of this place and the coffee, cakes and just about everything else is delish.

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Mesón Restaurante Portomarín (C/Valencia 4, Metro: Lavapiés)

Couldn’t resist throwing in an old man bar at the end. Technically a Galician joint, this place is as castizo as it gets and in time-honoured fashion, the café con leche is served in caña glasses which burn your fingers off if you pick them up too soon. If you can, get there in time for breakfast – they serve the best pan con tomate in the city.

Madrid in August

August is an odd time to be in Madrid. Granted, the place doesn’t turn into a ghost town as it once did, with everything closing down and the entire population fleeing to the coasts to escape the heat. Thanks to globalisation and/or the recession, most businesses can’t afford to shut up shop for a whole month these days. However, there’s still somewhat of a mass exodus at the end of July (hey, when it gets its own name, operación salida, you know it’s big deal), leaving the city quieter and with a very different feel to the rest of the year. Here are the pros and cons of being here in this most laid-back of months:

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+ EVERYTHING is quieter, and I’m not just talking the Metro. There’s so little traffic I can skip merrily across roads I’d normally have to wait 10 minutes to cross on my morning walk to work. Friends with cars report that the hardest thing about finding a parking space is deciding which one to pick. There are no queues at the cashpoint. No queues at the supermarket. In fact, the only places that appear to be as busy as ever are the tourist attractions – when I tried to go to the Dalí exhibition at the Reina Sofía the other day, the queue was around the block. Ugh.

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– Unfortunately, the crazy people are much more noticeable when there are less normal people around to dilute their craziness, and sweet Jesus wept I’ve seen some weirdos this month. This is especially true if you’re out in the midday heat, since any person with half a brain is at home with the blinds down and the a/c on full blast until it reaches a more normal temperature outside (unless you’re a guiri Brit with a penchant for tanning, naming no names Super-G!). I was on my way to the pool recently with some friends in the sweltering afternoon heat and popped up from the Metro to get out some cash at Embajadores, the place where junkies infamously wait around for illegal taxis to take them down to the big drug market at La Cañada Real. Never again.

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+ Guaranteed sunshine. Let’s not get all negative here, it may be pushing 40 degrees but at least it’s sunny! This may or may not have something to do with the fact I’m from a country which is permanently moist, but the world just seems better when the sun is out. Apart from the odd summer thunderstorm, August in Madrid is non-stop sun, which means lazy days by the pool topping up the tan, eating Maxibons and drinking tinto de verano. The long summer evenings when the city comes alive late and gets lively even later are pretty fun too.

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– There is such a thing as too hot. Especially when it exposes certain individuals’ lack of personal hygiene. Stinky people on the Metro are no bueno.

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+ Table for two? No problem! Even the most popular restaurants or trendiest bars have space in August, and you can usually just waltz right in without a reservation. A refreshing change from when they’re packed to the rafters or you have to wait two hours for a table.

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– It’s a bit of a lottery as to what’s actually open. Some places still do close for all or part of the month, and more than once I’ve rocked up to one of my favourite joints with visitors in tow to find the place shut.

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+ Party at mine! In Spain, it’s so common for the husband to continue working in the city while the wife and kids are packed off to the coast for the summer, they even have an expression for it: estar de Rodríguez. If someone tells you Estoy de Rodríguez it means they’re free to live as a bachelor and do as they like, which could mean hitting the bars and clubs every night, although in reality it’s more likely they’ve spent the last month slobbing out in their underwear in front of the TV and eating dinner directly out of the tin.

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– Being alone sucks after a while! My other half is a teacher and has been away since the end of July, so I’ve been Rodriguez-ing it up for a couple of weeks now and am actually missing him a LOT (don’t tell him I said that though).

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+ In general, everything just feels more chilled. It’s as if the city is taking a breather before gearing up for the next frenetic year. Definitely the time to see Madrid at its most peaceful and relaxed (except if you’re queuing up for Dalí).

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– If you’re still at work, you can’t help but feel that literally EVERYONE in the whole world is on holiday EXCEPT YOU, ughhh. Maybe I have too many teacher friends or something. Apart from poor sods like me who are chained to their desks, the only people around are tourists. Oh, and like a gadzillion charity muggers (or “chuggers”) … where the hell did they all suddenly come from?

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So there you go: the good, the bad and the ugly of August in Madrid. Luckily for my sanity, I’m off on holiday this week so I can join the ranks of tourists, hurrah! Enjoy the rest of the summer.

Shopping in Madrid

Along with stumbling out of bars at 6am, reading over people’s shoulders on the Metro and squealing at little Pug dogs being walked in the Retiro, shopping is one of my favourite things to do in Madrid. With hundreds upon hundreds of fabulous tiendas, the Spanish capital is a mecca for all those who worship at the alter of retail, and with Christmas just round the corner you’ve got the perfect excuse to go out and put a nice big dent in your bank balance. The twinkling lights, the smell of roasting chestnuts and the chimes of gloriously kitsch Cortylandia will make you feel all festive as you explore the streets off Sol, skip down Gran Vía, wander along Calle Fuencarral, stroll through Barrio Salamanca or visit one the shopping centres further out of the city, all full of shops brimming with yuletide treats. Unfortunately, they’ll also be brimming with ferocious Christmas shoppers, hungry for bargains (and possibly blood). If the thought of negotiating a scrum in Zara makes you want to stick your head in a blender, then fear not! Here’s my guide to Madrid’s hidden shopping gems: no crowds, better service and way cooler presents.

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Gifts

Buried in the heart of Malasaña, Nest Boutique (Plaza San Ildefonso 3, Metro: Tribunal) is run by friendly Nadine and offers a fantastic selection of quirky little gifts, from jewellery and stationery through to things for the home and presents for children. Also great for retro greetings cards if you’re sick of the usual Garfield/Micky Mouse/fluffy kitten-type-crap on offer. Fast Cool (Costanilla de los Desamparados 6, Metro: Antón Martín) not only has a great name but is also an art gallery and shop stocking a variety of offbeat gifts, whereas nearby La Integral (León 25, Metro: Antón Martín) boasts a wonderful collection of wind-up toys, knickknacks and art. If you want something along a Spanish theme and you’re fed up with the usual tourist shite then try Madrid3 (Cruz 35, Metro: Sol) for original gifts and Madrid regalia, served up by lovely owner Javier.

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Clothing and Accessories

I love my H&M, Bershka and Blanco as much as the next person, but when you end up wearing exactly the same outfit as the next person, you know it’s time to go independent. Luckily, there are shedloads of unique little shops in Madrid for fashionistas to get suited and booted. For those hard-to-buy-for friends, head to La Maison de Poupée (San Mateo 26, Metro: Tribunal/Alonso Martínez) and check out the funky clothes and accessories displayed in a cosy retro setting. Perennial favourite Mercado de Fuencarral (Fuencarral 35, Metro: Tribunal) is still going strong and never fails to disappoint. Catering to those looking for the latest trends, something a little different or just stuff that’s plain weird (gasmasks anyone?) I love it all, although Uglyshop downstairs in the basement is probably my personal favourite for its amazing jewellery and colourful clothes.

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Vintage

If you like your clothes to have a bit of history, Madrid has an ample range of vintage shops to satisfy your cravings. Madrileño institution Pepita Is Dead (Doctor Fourquet 10, Metro: Lavapiés) has been open for nearly 20 years and stocks fabulous 60s-style clothes for women, men and children, as well as great selection of accessories. At Lotta Vintage (Hernán Cortés 9, Metro: Tribunal) you’ll find anything from peep-toe shoes to headscarves to wedding dresses, and they’ll even make any necessary alterations so you can get the perfect fit. Or you could head to Retro City (Corredera Alta de San Pablo 4, Metro: Tribunal) for bargains galore, a massive collection of Barbies and, if you’re lucky, a glimpse of the resident Pug dog nestled amongst the hangars (squeal!).

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Food

For culinary delights you’re in the right city. Chocoholics should toddle over to Cacao Sampaka (Orellana 4, Metro: Alonso Martínez ) which sells scrummy sweet treats in all shapes and sizes. Their chocolate bars come in a huge variety of flavours and the classy packaging makes them perfect for presents. If you like cheese then you’ll love Poncelet (Argensola 27, Metro: Alonso Martínez) from the moment you walk in and the amazing aromas hit your nostrils. They stock cheeses from Spain and all over Europe, along with gift hampers and all the compliments you could wish for (from crackers and chutneys through to fondue sets and port) and they’ll even vacuum pack your purchases so you don’t stink out your suitcase on your journey home to see the folks. Finally, choose a nice drop of wine to go with your cheese from the massive selection at Lavinia (Ortega y Gasset 16, Metro: Nuñez de Balboa) and enjoy a few tapas in their Espacio Gastronómico while you’re at it.

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Other

Those of you who haven’t discovered the world of Lomography should hotfoot it to one of the Lomography Shops (Echegaray 5, Metro: Sevilla / Argensola 1, Metro: Alonso Martínez/Chueca) and find out just what this cult photography phenomenon is all about. From the classic Fisheye to the Pop 9 (9 images in one frame), their range of cameras and accessories make ideal gifts for snap-happy friends and relatives. If you’re looking for something a little more x-rated, check out La Jugueteria (Travesía de San Mateo 12, Metro: Tribunal/Chueca). Its boudoir-like interior gives it a much classier feel than most of the sex-shops around Chueca, and its impressive array of adult playthings means you’re bound to find something that tickles your fancy.

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Of course, this is just a small selection of the countless shopping opportunities on offer in Madrid. From chain stores to traditional markets, random Chino bazaars to seasonal street stalls that spring up around Christmas, there’s something for everyone. If you want to escape the crowds try less obvious areas: the backstreets of Malasaña and Calle Ballesta (give the prostitutes a wave!), trendy Barrio Las Salesas and the side streets around Antón Martín and Huertas. Most places are open Monday-Saturday around 10am until 9pm and most bigger shops are open on Sundays, giving you oodles of browsing time. I’m off to make my Christmas list right now in fact.

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Anyone know if Father Christmas delivers Pug dogs?

Madrid Heptathlon

Heptathletes have, without question, one of the toughest jobs in athletics. Never mind your butch shot putters, lean and lanky high jumpers, or thighs-as-thick-as-your-waist powerhouse sprinters, heptathletes have to excel at all these events and more. But whilst I’ll hazard a guess that the vast majority of you reading this won’t be competing in the next Olympics, I’ve got an alternative challenge for you that would make those teetotal athletes tremble in their expensive trainers. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce The Madrid Heptathlon: seven consecutive nights of debauchery in this nation’s fair capital, extensively researched (ahem) and certainly not for the faint-hearted. You’ll need stamina to last into the early hours, speed for efficient bar hopping, strength to cope with fiendishly potent drinks, and balance so you can stand upright at the end of it all. In short, contenders must be at the very peak of physical fitness. Are you ready to take on the challenge? Then let’s begin!

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MONDAY – Lavapiés

We’ll kick off with Lavapiés: bohemian, controversial, a little rough around the edges yet undeniably fun, this colourful multicultural barrio is buzzing every day of the week. After lining your stomach with fortifying curry, head to a couple of the neighbourhood’s classier drinking establishments and at least start the night off in a civilised manner, even if you do end up in a gutter later on. Gaudeamus Café (C/Tribulete 14) is a roof-top bar located in the ruins of a religious school now converted into a university library, where you can relax with your drink whilst admiring views over the neighbourhood. Then back on ground level, enjoy a tipple in the refined art deco surroundings of Café Barbieri (C/Ave María 45). For an authentic madrileño atmosphere (shouty, rowdy, brilliant) head next to Bodegas Lo Máximo (C/San Carlos 6), or for a more intimate setting try Aguardiente (C/Fe 1), a little bar with mismatched furniture perfect for a cosy copa or two. Then starting with a tasty cocktail at Cuban-themed Eucalipto (C/Argumosa 4), bar crawl along “the promenade of Lavapiés” (crawl probably being the operative word at this point) making sure you stop off at the always-packed Bar Automático (C/Argumosa 17) and Bar Revuelta (C/Argumosa 23) to soak up the atmosphere and a few of their cheap-as-chips cañas. Shisha pipes and belly dancing shows are the order of the day at Tetería Babilonia (C/Ave María 50) if you want to end the evening on a chilled-out note, otherwise wiggle over to El Juglar (C/Lavapiés 37) for funk and soul until 3am. And for those of you who just don’t know when to stop, Candela (C/Olmo 2) is a magnet for all the waifs and strays of the barrio when everything else shuts, so be prepared for an interesting crowd!

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TUESDAY – Huertas

Whilst the rest of the city is still getting going on a Tuesday night, Huertas is already hopping, its hundreds of bars filled with tourists/stag parties/students/good-for-nothings whatever the night of the week. We start our challenge in Mauna Loa (Pl. Santa Ana 13), a Hawaiian bar popular with Spaniards and foreigners alike, lured here by plentiful snacks and potent novelty cocktails to be enjoyed in its confusing maze of underground rooms. For great décor and funky booths to hide away in try Jazz Bar (C/Moratín 35), and along the same musical vibe continue to the famous Café Populart (C/Huertas 22) where the drinks are expensive but worth it for the amazing live music with no cover charge. Then for all the vodka fans, the basement lounge at Nordic restaurant Ølsen (C/Prado 15) should suit nicely, with a selection of over 80 varieties to choose from (though trying them all probably isn’t a good idea). If this is all getting a bit sophisticated for you, let’s sprint back up to C/Huertas and jump into one of the many cheesy karaoke places for a sing-along (try Pub Rainbow at n°14 for some hilarious rock hi-jinks with Ozzy Ozbourne look-alikes) before heading to the meat market that is Irish bar O’Connells (C/Espoz y Mina 7) for cheap drinks and late-night fun. Finish up with some sweaty dance action at Sala El Sol (C/Jardines 3), a club that’s being going since the movida which regularly hosts gigs or DJs playing anything from pop to reggae to electro. Or for something a bit more commercial, you can’t stay in Madrid and not go to Kapital (C/Atocha 125), the city’s behemoth of a club laid out over a whole (count ‘em) seven floors.

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WEDNESDAY – Noviciado/Plaza España

Ok troops, Monday and Tuesday were just a gentle warm-up: Wednesday’s the night when things really get rocking! Let’s jog over to Noviciado and Plaza España, a fab little zone which for me holds many fond memories and one rather more shameful one of doing a sinful sinpa (running off without paying) in a bar which I won’t mention here for fear of recrimination. Let’s start in Tempo Club (C/Duque de Osuna 8), a favourite haunt of mine thanks to its lovely bar staff, delicious cocktails and über-funky furnishings. Next, hide yourself away in one of the nooks and crannies of El Jardín Secreto (C/San Bernadino 22) for a drink or two whilst you admire the weird and wonderful décor, which is all for sale and changes every time you visit. If you’re peckish, stop off at La Tabernilla del Gato Amadeus (C/Cristo 2) for a caña and some croquetas de jamón (the best in Madrid apparently) before skipping over to Kabokla (C/San Vicente Ferrer 55) for your dose of Brazilian culture (and beautiful cachaça rum). Café La Palma (C/Palma 62) is just one street up and perfect for a relaxed drink during the week, although it’s on Fridays and Saturdays that this place is really jumping with the best local bands and underground DJs. Then it’s back across Plaza España to tip-top Mexican Bar El Colorado (C/Martín de los Heros 2) where the barmen are so friendly they’ll have you doing tequila shots with them before you leave. Finally, round the night off at Zombie Club @ Sala Marco Aldany (C/Princesa 1) with the Zombie Kids and hipsters aplenty.

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THURSDAY – Sol/City centre

With the weekend almost in sight, let’s get focused and stay central: a few laps around Sol and the very centre of the city without falling into any of the rip-off tourist traps. Can it be done? You betcha! Ring the bell and catch the lift up to Casa de Granada (C/Doctor Cortezo 17) tucked away on the 6th floor with cracking views of Plaza Tirso de Molina and the surrounding rooftops. The place could do with a makeover and you’ll have to queue to get a table on the terrace, but it’s worth it for the panorama of southern Madrid and the drinks prices aren’t bad either. Then it’s over to the streets south of Plaza Mayor, where we swiftly sidestep obvious choice El Botín (oldest restaurant in the world…full of guiris…yawn) and instead head a couple of doors down to Mesón del Champiñon (C/Cava de San Miguel 17) for a quiet drink, a plate of their delicious garlic mushrooms and, best of all, the resident pianist enthusiastically banging out the hits on his keyboard (think Ross from Friends, absolutely classic!). Give the rip-off joints on Plaza Mayor a miss and dive into tiny bar San Roman (C/Segovia 1) where the walls are decorated exclusively with pictures of naked ladies, and you get a hearty tapa with every drink, although the price varies depending on how merry the barman is. When he whacks up the flamenco and the place is filled to capacity (about 20 people?), it’s party central! Then it’s back towards Sol for an exquisite mojito or three from the friendly folks at little Yambala (C/Coloreros 4), before a dance to all the hits and some general student madness at Epic @ Joy (C/Arenal 11).

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FRIDAY – Exclusive

Flagging? Not on Friday you’re not! Tonight’s the night to see and be seen in Madrid’s hottest hangouts, so dig out your party frocks and high heels and make a beeline for the Skynight Bar on the 13th floor of Hotel Puerta América (Av. América 41). The bar staff aren’t friendly and the drinks aren’t cheap, but really, who cares when the views are this good? Jump in a taxi (we don’t want to ruin those Jimmy Choos now sweetie) to Fortuny (C/Fortuny 34) where you can witness pijos in their natural habitat whilst enjoying another pricey beverage. High ceilings, wood panelling and decadence await us at our next stop Bar Cock (C/Reina 16), one of Madrid’s classic cocktail bars. Pretend you don’t find the name funny, nab some drinks mats without the po-faced barmen noticing, and make sure it’s not your round. Then it’s onwards to five star Hotel Urban (Carrera de San Jeronimo 34) where you can either head up to the roof terrace or stick to the über-hip Glass Bar on the ground floor (just try not to break any of their oh-so-stylish see-through décor). For one final cocktail in the sky, you can’t do better than The Penthouse (Pl. Santa Ana 14), perched atop Hotel ME Madrid and offering stunning views of the city and the busy plaza below.

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SATURDAY – Chueca/Malasaña

Saturday night is the main event in Madrid, and nowhere is it bigger than in Malasaña and Chueca. These two barrios have literally hundreds of bars to choose from, but let’s start in one of my favourites, Casa Camacho (C/San Andrés 4), whose speciality yayos composed of vermouth, gin and casera sell for under €2 a pop, welcome news after the hammering your wallet took last night. The place is nothing fancy, un bar de toda la vida with a friendly crowd that spills out onto the street, but the really fun part comes when you’ve had a few yayos too many and have to crawl underneath the bar to get to the loo out the back. Afterwards, the choice is yours: head to Areia (C/Hortaleza 92) for chill-out, cocktails and sofa-beds, Olé Lola (C/San Mateo 28) for a modern take on traditional Spain, Mercado de la Reina (C/Reina 16) for all the gin as you can guzzle, Picnic (C/Minas 1) for a relaxed retro vibe or Tupperware (C/Corredera Alta de San Pablo 26) for a dose of indie kitsch. As a pre-club warm-up, pop into classic movida bar La Vía Láctea (C/Velarde 18) for a dance to all the hits you’d forgotten about, or if electro is more your cup of tea, pay a visit to chic Demodé (C/Ballesta 7), a bar which used to be a brothel in an area still very much full of brothels. Then for dancing until dawn, well, the city is your oyster! Madrid is so compact and has so many clubs that there’s something within easy reach to suit every budget and musical taste. If you’re a dance music devotee like me, Mondo @ Sala Stella (C/Arlabán 7) hosts international electro and techno DJs aplenty, Up @ Pirandello 1 (C/Martín de los Heros 14) usually has some cracking line-ups and Code @ Fabrik (Av. Industria 82) is the perfect place for an out-of-town thrashathon.

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SUNDAY – La Latina

A day of rest? Not in Madrid! Now we’re on the home strait, so let’s dig deep like the true athletes we are, and with that final burst of energy pull an all-dayer in everyone’s favourite barrio on a Sunday, La Latina. After quickly perusing the Rastro and dodging the pickpockets in the morning, let’s enjoy a few pre-prandial vermouths and some tapas in one of the area’s many fine establishments. It doesn’t really matter where, since the main aim is to kick back and soak up the general atmosphere of the neighbourhood, although the bares de toda la vida (bad fluorescent lighting, absolutely packed, crap all over the floor) are almost always more fun, despite their grotty appearance. Then it’s onto the serious drinking as we do a slow lap of the barrio, making sure to take in trendy Delic (Pl. Paja s/n) and friendly Lamiak (C/Cava Baja 42), as well as a whole host of other bars down Cava Baja and the surrounding backstreets. The area is also a botellón hotspot (especially around Plaza Puerta de Moros) if you want to sip your litre bottle of cerveza in the sunshine, just be careful the police don’t decide to scupper your plans. Then for the truly hardcore amongst you, head to Goa @ Fabrik (Av. Industria 82) for their monthly all-day session with some of the world’s best DJs and plenty of go-go dancers wearing not very much. Sunday worship never felt so good!

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After successfully completing seven nights out on the lash, it’s finally time to give your liver (and your wallet) a well-deserved rest. Unless of course you’ve still got some energy and want to continue the merry-making, in which case Madrid, the city that never sleeps, will happily oblige. Decathlon anybody?

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*Apologies for any incorrect information – I wrote this a couple of years ago for EV magazine and it’s amazing how quickly things change on the Madrid nocturnal scene. I’ve updated wherever possible but please let me know if there are any mistakes!

 

London Calling

Image courtesy of LondonSnap

“It is difficult to speak adequately or justly of London. It is not a pleasant place; it is not agreeable, or cheerful, or easy, or exempt from reproach. It is only magnificent.”

Henry James 1843-1916

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Whether or not you agree with our American friend Henry, one thing is certain: along with jumping out of a plane, blowing the last of your wages on a pair of unnecessary-but-beautiful shoes, watching all the Star Wars films back-to-back and eating your own bodyweight in pick’n’mix, visiting London is something you need to do in order to say you’ve truly lived. It is a city of superlatives: it has the busiest shopping street (Oxford Street), busiest airport (Heathrow) and most congested ring-road (M25) in Europe, the longest underground rail network in the world (also the most expensive), the most street markets of any city in the western world and more billionaires living there than any other world city. In short, it needs to be seen to be believed.

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So, after you land at one of the five airports (Gatwick, Heathrow, City, Luton or Stansted) you’ll want to hotfoot it to the centre to start your London adventure. Train services such as the Gatwick or Heathrow Express are quick but pricey; catch a slow train or coach if you want to take in the scenery. Get yourself an Oyster Card for travelling around the city. It doesn’t smell of seafood but it does mean cheaper fares on the Tube and buses – hurrah! Try to avoid using the Tube at rush hour and definitely don’t try to cross London from Waterloo to Kings Cross on a Friday at home time when the Northern Line is closed, the firemen are on strike and only 1 in 4 services are operating (I speak from personal experience).

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Of course, you have to check out some of the tourist clichés while you’re here. The reason they’re clichés is because they’re good! The Tower of London, British Museum, Houses of Parliament, National Gallery, St Paul’s Cathedral and Westminster Abbey are all must-sees. Visit the beautiful collection and grounds of the Victoria and Albert Museum, mingle with the famous at Madame Tussauds (book online to avoid queuing) and giggle at the silly hats at the changing of the guard. Brave the queues and go on the London Eye – the views are worth it.

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If you’re like me though, you’ll soon get fed up of tripping over all the other tourists, being showered with Union Jack hats/other assorted crap and paying £4 for a coffee. Once you get off the tourist trail you can begin to discover the real London, and that, my friends, is what makes this city so great. My favourite memories have nothing to do with Big Ben or Covent Garden, but instead are of playing ping pong in a bar in Shoreditch. Falling down the sloping dance floor at the Brixton Academy. Having a birthday picnic at London Fields. Watching squirrels bury nuts in Russell Square. Bumping into other people on the stairwells at Fabric, possibly the darkest club in the world. Getting chatted up by fishermen whilst jogging in Victoria Park. Spotting Wombles on Wimbledon Common. Strolling down Brick Lane then having sausage and mash for lunch. Getting wasted doing the Circle Line pub crawl.

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So head over there to create some memories of your own. London can be whatever you want it to be.

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5 London Facts

1. Over 133,000 items are found on London Transport each year. These have included a Chinese typewriter, a jar of bull’s sperm and a 14-foot boat.
2. Although the Great Fire of London in 1666 destroyed vast parts of the city, only 6 people were killed.
3. Big Ben first chimed the hour in July 1859.
4. The peak hour for suicides on the Tube is 11am.
5. London taxi-drivers are permitted to urinate in public, provided that a member of the police force acts as a witness.

Geeking Out in Map Heaven

 

I haven’t got time to write a proper blog this week so I’m going to cheat and do one with lots of pictures. Sneaky eh? The pictures in question are all maps because, and it’s time I admitted this to the world, I’m a massive geek in many respects, but nothing can quite top my obsession with maps. I love them! I can spend hours staring at them, planning trips, imagining routes around them, stroking their contours……ahem. Anyway. This is a picture of all the atlases they have in the social sciences department at work…I was in nerdy map heaven!

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For someone who loves a good map then, I find the most recent one for the Madrid Metro particularly offensive. Here it is, minus a couple of the newest stations (click on the images to see a larger version):

Not only is it ugly and angular, it’s also misleading. Quickest way to Pinar de Chamartín is straight up on the brown line, right? Nope – that straight up is actually a massive meandering loop, which will get you to your destination sometime next century. Sevilla and Tirso de Molina are miles from Sol you say? Wrong again – even a slow-moving, pavement-hogging Spanish granny could walk that distance in about 2 minutes.

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Things would be a lot simpler if they ironed out all those nasty, jarring angles, wouldn’t they? Well, that’s exactly what Max Roberts did with his curvy version of the Madrid Metro map. Isn’t it pretty?

Unfortunately the Madrid city council, in their infinite wisdom, decided to go with the square version instead. Boo!

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Here is Max’s version of the London Underground, for those of you who’ve not seen it:

Again, a lot nicer to look at than the current tube map. But then maybe I just have a penchant for wiggly lines or something.

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Anyway, I’m such a map geek that when I was teaching, I decided to design a whole class around the Madrid Metro and other metro systems around the world. Here are some of my favourites!

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Moscow Metro. This map is a work of art and I’m told the museum-like metro stations themselves are beautiful too.

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Mexico City Metro. Mainly because I’ve been on it lots and it’s absolutely massive! Also, each station is represented with a pretty picture for city’s sizeable illiterate population.

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Glasgow Subway. For it’s simplicity.

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Tokyo Metro. Just because it’s possibly the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen.

All in a Name

In my mind, the day I arrived in Madrid has been condensed down into four vivid images. The unexpected brightness as I stepped off the plane, far stronger than the feeble sunshine that occasionally trickles through the clouds in the UK, despite the fact it was only January and the middle of a cold Madrileño winter. The friendly official who waved me through with a bienvenido a España and barely a glance at my passport (unlike in England where, bizarrely, they thought it necessary to quiz me for ten minutes about why I was leaving my home country). The baggage reclaim hall with its heady mixture of aromas: foreign cleaning products, cigarette smoke and the smell of anticipation. And finally, the large green sign which loomed to my right as I turned out of Arrivals and headed towards the exit, which simply read “Arse Cafeteria”.

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Well, it turns out my memory isn’t quite as sharp as I’d thought and it’s actually spelt “Ars”, but E or no E, to any Brit it looks and sounds distinctly like an establishment named after someone’s bottom. I’m happy to report that the linguistic adventure has since continued and that there are plenty of names in Spain that cause much mirth and sniggering-into-your-sleeve amongst English speakers, while bemused Spaniards stand around wondering what the joke is. Here’s a roundup of the best…

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Brand names

Bimbo Bread

Slice of Bimbo anyone? This classic has been making us chuckle for years, as we mentally picture taking a meat cleaver to Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or some other MTV airhead. In reality, this is nice soft bread perfect for sandwiches or making toast, provided you can get your grubby paws on a toaster of course. The company has been around for about 50 years and now also makes cakes, pastries and savoury snacks, so you can have your Bimbo any way you want.

Bonka Coffee

For the perfect start to your day, you need a Bonka with your Bimbo (I know this shouldn’t make me laugh, but it does). Made by Nestlé, this coffee comes in a whole host of varieties, from the intense flavour of Bonka Natural to Bonka Espresso for those who are just after a quickie. Coffee for consenting adults only!

Hornimans Tea

If you’re not a fan of the java then perhaps you’d prefer a Hornimans to go with your breakfast. I recently found out that this was originally an English company founded in 1826 by a fellow called John Horniman: tea importer extraordinaire and serial womaniser (actually I just made that last bit up but I hope it’s true). I don’t know if his tea does what it promises on the packet, but with so many different flavours I’m sure there’s one that’ll get you feeling fruity.

Dyc Whisky

Oh-ho and you thought we were done with sexual innuendo! If you go looking for Dyc in a Spanish bar then this is what you’ll get. Dyc (pronounced “deek”) is a Scotch-style whisky, very popular amongst twenty-something Spaniards and often teamed with Coca-Cola (so that’d be a Dyc and coke then). Even more amusingly, it’s referred to as “Whisky Dyc”, which in British slang is a term used to refer to alcohol-induced impotence. Nice!

Dry Sack Sherry

Another one that made me giggle. You’re probably fed up with my juvenile humour now though, so I’ll say no more.

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Place names

Sober (Galicia)

After all that alcohol perhaps you ought to make your way to Sober, a small municipality in the province of Lugo in Galicia. I’ve never visited the place, but if it lives up to its name then you’re probably best off giving it a miss, as it doesn’t sound the most thrilling day out.

Poo (Asturias)

Now I know even the most serious amongst you will crack a smile at this one. Don’t try and pretend you’re not, I can see you sniggering into your coat sleeves! If you want to go to Poo then you’ll have to head up to Llanes in Asturias. Again, somewhere I hope is nicer than it sounds.

Piles (Valencia)

To quote Wikipedia: “The beautiful scenery of Piles has made it a common tourist destination with people coming from all over Spain to look at Piles.” Is it me or does that sound a little tongue-in-cheek? Likewise, the sign for this Valencian coastal town is probably photographed to death by British tourists. Ah, we do love our toilet humour.

Tossa de Mar (Catalunya)

Make that toilet humour AND smut. Tee hee…

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People’s names

On the whole I find Spanish names a lot prettier-sounding than their English counterparts, but there a few that make me giggle. I’ve been here long enough to have stopped singing Abba every time I meet someone called Fernando, but I still have problems with Fanny, Adolfo and Jesús. I once had a student named the latter who tried to chat me up, so now I can proudly say that not only did Jesus die for my sins, but he also asked me out to the cinema. Variations on this theme (Jesús María, María Jesús, José María, María José etc) I’m sure exist purely to confuse English speakers.

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Establishments

Smell

As well as Ars, there existed in Madrid a linguistic treat in the form of a pharmacy called Smell on C/Argumosa (in my beloved barrio of Lavapiés), which unfortunately has now disappeared. Interestingly, it didn’t really smell of anything inside, except for soap perhaps.

Sala Wind

This club in Plaza del Carmen has been a long-term player in the Madrid party scene, banging out anything from electro-house to indie. It also provides English speakers with yet another excuse to snicker and wonder whether the patrons have been eating too many cabbages and baked beans. Parp!

Bill Murray’s Bar

Discovered mid pub-crawl on a drunken night out, the name of this bar is humorous when you’re sober and absolute genius when you’re hammered. As far as I can tell, it’s not affiliated with Mr. Murray himself. In fact, it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with him apart from the name. I think it’s on C/Covarrubias in Chamberí, although I’m not 100% sure (let’s just say we were all definitely a little worse for wear when we found it). Next time you’re in the area go order a Dyc and coke there, and have a snigger on me!

Lost in Translation

The recent adverts splashed across the sides of city buses for the new stage version of “The Sound of Music” have reminded me of the bizarre things that can happen with film titles in Spain. Over here, “The Sound of Music” is not “The Sound of Music”, but is instead, when translated back into English, “Smiles and tears” (Sonrisas y lágrimas). It’s certainly snappier than a literal translation, and whoever came up with it should be awarded top marks for creativity (they’ve also done a stellar job interpreting the lyrics for “Do-Re-Mi” by the way) but it bears so little resemblance to the original title that an English speaker wouldn’t have a clue which film you were talking about. Incidentally, the same film is translated as “The rebel trainee nun” in Latin America (La novicia rebelde), “The melody of happiness” in French (La mélodie du bonheur), “All together, passionately” in Italian (Tutti insieme appassionatamente),  and so on and so on, leaving endless scope for amusement and confusion in equal measure.

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English teachers beware! Posing the innocent question “What have you seen at the cinema recently?” can therefore often cause a class to dissolve into arguments, giggles and general chaos, instead of sparking the lively cinematic debate you were hoping for. It wouldn’t be so bad if the people who decide on film titles (who are these pranksters anyway? They should all be fired!) had some sort of logical system, but apparently they just do whatever the hell takes their fancy. In attempt to make it look a bit more logical, and because I do love a good list, here are the various ways a perfectly good film title can be mangled beyond all recognition:

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1. Leave the title in English

For example, “Pulp Fiction”, “American Beauty” and “Trainspotting” all had their titles left intact when they arrived on Spanish shores, as did – ironically – “Lost in Translation” (although interestingly, in Latin America it was translated as “Lost in Tokyo” (Perdidos en Tokio) which nicely illustrates point number 4 below). You might think this method would be mangle-free, but just wait until you hear a Spaniard try and pronounce “Pulp Fiction”. You’ll still have no idea what film they’re talking about.

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2. Translate the title literally

Examples include “The Godfather” (El Padrino), “Fight Club” (El club de la lucha) and “The Silence of the Lambs” (El silencio de los corderos). This method probably makes the most sense and is easiest for everyone, but unfortunately there are some titles that just don’t translate – can you imagine what “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” would sound like in Spanish? (If you can’t, I’ll tell you…absolutely ridiculous!)

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3. Leave the title in English but add something catchy in Spanish at the end

Remember those classic films “Snatch. Pigs and diamonds” (Snatch. Cerdos y diamantes), “Ghost: beyond love” (Ghost: más allá del amor), “Speed: maximum power” (Speed: máxima potencia) and “Kick-Ass: ready to crush” (Kick-Ass: Listo para machacar)? Nope, me neither. To be honest, I don’t really see the point in adding on this extra bit, especially as it gives a little bit too much information about the film. Which leads me nicely on to my next point…

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4. Change the title so it gives away the whole plot

Or maybe not the whole plot, but some key detail which isn’t even mentioned in the English title! You want an example? How about “How to kill your boss” (Cómo acabar con tu jefe) from the original title “Horrible Bosses”? Or perhaps my personal favourite “Really big hangover in Las Vegas” (Resacón en Las Vegas)…no prizes for guessing which film THAT is. I really don’t think Spanish audiences need to have things spelt out for them like this, but hey ho. (Just in case you were wondering, “The Hangover 2” was transformed into – you guessed it – “Really big hangover 2, now in Thailand!”)

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5. Change the title to something misleading

I’d wanted to go and see “Bridesmaids” when it came out a couple of years ago, but didn’t even twig that it had been released in Spain until it was too late. Why? Because on the adverts it was called “My best friend’s wedding” (La boda de mi mejor amiga)…which is a completely different film! With Julia Roberts! Which I very much did NOT want to see thank you very much.

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6. Do something totally random

The kind of titles you see and think “what in God’s name were they on when they picked THAT?”. Examples include “Grab it whichever way you can” (Agárralo como puedas) for “The Naked Gun” (???) and “Land whichever way you can” (Aterriza como puedas) for “Airplane” (yes, there is a word in Spanish for “airplane”, goodness knows why they chose not to use it). Or one of my favourites “The glass jungle” (La jungla de cristal) for – wait for it – “Die Hard”. I guess it might have worked for the first one in the skyscraper, but then it all came unstuck when they decided to make “The Glass Jungle 2” (and 3, and 4, and 5…).

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Here are some more of my favourites, see if you can work out what the original titles were…

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Two very stupid idiots (Dos tontos muy tontos)

One of ours (Uno de los nuestros)

Forget about me! (¡Olvídate de mí!)

Life sentence (Cadena perpetua)

The mole (El topo)

What do women think about? (¿En qué piensan las mujeres?)

Her parents (Los padres de ella)

His parents (Los padres de él)

Red telephone? We fly to Moscow (¿Teléfono rofo? Volamos hacia Moscú)

Between drinks (Entre copas)

All in a day (Todo en un día)

Two rebel policemen (Dos policías rebeldes)

Two rebel policemen II (Dos policías rebeldes II)

Shark (Tiburón)

Wearing skirts and going crazy (Con faldas y a lo loco)

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Struggling? Here are the answers!

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Two very stupid idiots (Dos tontos muy tontos) = Dumb and Dumber

One of ours (Uno de los nuestros) = Goodfellas

Forget about me! (¡Olvídate de mí!) = Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Life sentence (Cadena perpetua) = The Shawshank Redemption

The mole (El topo) = Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

What do women think about? (¿En qué piensan las mujeres?) = What Women Want

Her parents (Los padres de ella) = Meet the Parents

His parents (Los padres de él) = Meet the Fockers

Red telephone? We fly to Moscow (¿Teléfono rofo? Volamos hacia Moscú) = Dr. Strangelove

Between drinks (Entre copas) = Sideways

All in a day (Todo en un día) = Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Two rebel policemen (Dos policías rebeldes) = Bad Boys

Two rebel policemen II (Dos policías rebeldes II) = Bad Boys II

Shark (Tiburón) = Jaws

Wearing skirts and going crazy (Con faldas y a lo loco) = Some Like It Hot

Girls in Madrid

When you’ve moved to a new city, kicked off your heels, unpacked your suitcase and plugged in your straighteners, there are probably a few things you want to find out. Although ‘Where’s the nearest bar?’ might be fairly near the top of the list, there are some other, slightly more fundamental, matters to deal with, so with this in mind here’s a basic guide for girls in Madrid.

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Let’s get the serious stuff out of the way first. Rules and regulations regarding healthcare are changing all the time, but to register at a doctor’s surgery and get your health card you’ll need a social security number and something called your empadronamiento. The contraceptive pill can generally be bought over the counter in Spain and the morning-after pill (la píldora del día después) can be obtained from a gynaecologist. Abortion is legal here, but only covered by social security under certain circumstances, so most terminations are carried out in private clinics. For more detailed information, check out www.angloinfo.com

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Now for another serious matter…shopping! Quirky boutiques and trendy labels can be found in Malasaña and Chueca, whereas for designer togs and pijos aplenty, head to C/Serrano in Salamanca. If cheap and cheerful is more your thing, the usual suspects (Zara, Bershka, Mango, Blanco, H&M) are dotted all over the city, as are stores of that great Spanish institution El Corte Inglés (great for those hard-to-find items but also sometimes hard-to-find your way out or a shop assistant who will help you). The streets around Puerta del Sol (Preciados/Carretas/Arenal) and some parts of Chueca are the best place for cheap but lovely shoes. Most places are open Monday-Saturday around 10am-9pm (El Corte Inglés 10am-10pm) although large shopping centres and the shops around Sol, Gran Vía and Serrano are open on Sundays. The concept of trousers in different leg lengths hasn’t caught on in Spain yet, sizes here are on the none-too-generous side and you’ll have trouble bra-shopping if you’re much bigger than a D-cup – you have been warned!

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With all those shiny new clothes you’ll need a hairdo to match. Hairdressers are generally quite cheap here but watch out for those added extras – the price quoted in the window is often just for the cut and you’ll be charged more for shampoo, conditioning cream, blow-dry etc. Most places aren’t English-speaking so brush up on your vocabulary beforehand. Be aware of the difference between peinar and secar – the former includes styling whereas the latter is just a quick blast with the hairdryer before being booted out the door.

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Defuzzing is an important part of your lady MOT and completely necessary if you’re considering going anywhere near the pool/beach. Luckily, Spanish women love to depilar, so there are plenty of reasonably-priced places and often you don’t need to make an appointment, unless you’re planning on a full body job. Most of the major hairdressing chains offer beauty treatments, but personal recommendation is always best, so ask around.

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After all that shopping and grooming, it’s time to treat yourself to a cocktail or two! But where? Try La Latina for a rowdy atmosphere on a Sunday, Moncloa/Argüelles for the student hangouts, Lavapiés for a more bohemian vibe and Salamanca/Castellana if you want to net yourself a footballer. Party in Malasaña with the young and funky, head to Huertas/Sol for Irish bars, sport and messy stag dos, or Chueca for a carnival atmosphere and hot men (they may all be gay, but no harm in looking!).

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Of course when you’re out and about, keep personal safety in mind. Madrid is generally not a dangerous city but as a woman you are more vulnerable, so use your common sense. You can walk around by yourself after dark and get the Metro alone at night, but remember there’s safety in numbers. Madrid’s worst problem is petty crime such as pick pocketing, so don’t have valuables on show and watch your belongings at all times, especially on the Metro, in restaurants/terrazas, and in more touristy areas.

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Unfortunately, there can also be threats in areas of your life where you thought it was safe, such as at work. Apart from the vague suspicion one of my students was occasionally putting his hands down his trousers, I’ve never experienced anything resembling sexual harassment in the workplace, but if you do suffer discrimination at work you can report it. Complaints can be lodged at Women’s Rights Information Centres (Centros de Información de los Derechos de la Mujer) and a free 24-hour helpline (900 191 010) can provide advice on general legal matters and sexual harassment problems.

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¡Estás como un queso! As a sassy girl-about-town you’re bound to attract your fair share of attention, so be prepared for the odd lecherous comment from men in the street. As per always, workmen are the worst offenders. Be dignified about it and take it as a compliment, even if you feel like turning round and ramming your stiletto down his throat. The same goes for ogling – that old adage “it’s rude to stare” doesn’t apply here (there is no Spanish verb meaning “to stare”!) so don’t be insulted…just stare back!

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Which leads me nicely onto my final point: Spanish men, those mysterious and often puzzling beings, some of whom still consider the mullet a good look. As a Brit, I certainly find them more direct than my bloke-shaped compatriots, and they come armed with different ideas on a whole host of things: chat-up lines, personal space, aforementioned hairstyles, when to say I love you (after a week = scary NOT romantic), thus making the dating game a veritable minefield. But as they say, variety is the spice of life!

Spanish Festivals

Whether it’s sipping a mug of chai tea in the sunshine whilst listening to power ballads, having Dermot O’Leary ask me if he could use the toilet, or kicking back on an inflatable sofa sharing a beer with the security guards to the dulcet tones of Metallica, UK festivals have provided me with many a fond memory. Naturally then, when I arrived in Spain I was keen to see what my Hispanic friends could offer up in the way of summer musical madness. Not counting the one-day events often labelled as “festivals” which, in all honesty, are just glorified club nights, there’s still a whole lot of stuff going on, and, not surprisingly, there’s a whole lot of differences with the UK scene.

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First and foremost: the weather. In sharp contrast to the more-often-than-not soggy nature of British festivals, throughout the summer most of Spain is pretty damn scorchio, with hour after hour of guaranteed glorious sunshine. No wading through waist-deep mud to get to your tent here! Although some might say the drizzle adds to the unique ambience of UK festivals, I personally prefer not to return to the campsite to find my pitch has been swallowed up by an ocean of muddy water and my tent is now halfway to Bristol. Unfortunately, the heat also presents problems for campers, since aforementioned tent is consequently transformed into a cosy little sauna and is too hot to set foot in for most of the day, let alone sleep in at night. Perhaps this is why the camping culture (hanging a pair of knickers on a flagpole so you can find your tent, drinking warm cider round the fire with your mates, drunk people tripping over your tent pegs at 5am…ah, memories!) isn’t such an integral part of the festival experience in Spain, with some events not even offering the option to camp.

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Another thing I’ve noticed is that people don’t like to dress up so much for festivals here. Us Brits just cannot get enough of fancy dress, we LOVE it! When I worked as an Oxfam steward with a mate at Reading Festival back in 2003, we were one day confronted by a dozen Smurfs kneeling before us chanting “Bless you Oxfam ladies!” Would this happen in Spain? Unlikely. Skanking like a crazy thing to Madness surrounded by a bunch of pirates? Tampoco. Watching a man dressed as a giant sunflower struggle out of a portaloo? Don’t count on it. In fact, that whole element of silliness, daft people doing daft things, the idea that a festival is a weekend off from the world and anything goes, is something that’s missing from Spanish events. Don’t get me wrong, the line-ups are great, the atmosphere is brilliant and I’ve always had a fantastic time. Just don’t expect too many silly hats or lizards on unicycles.